MateTV: Superficial Bollocks Night

1700: Theists shoot the funniest things

1730: Police’s Wildest Videotapes
Betamax. WOAH!

1755: Celebrity roundup news
Not so much news as a series of events that people feel the need to draw any kind of significance from despite their pant bleedingly inane nature.

1800: Most Hoaxed
This week Derek will be coming from the Hogath Monestry in Babackshire, which is reputed as being haunted by the ghost of Michael Flatley. Later on he will be locked in the towers completely alone other than the cameraman, soundman, sound engineer and the twenty to thirty people required to duplicate the poor special effects of a Hammer horror film.

1900: The Boy who was a piece of Battenberg
A revealing documentary into the life of a Ugandan boy who is a well-loved variety of cake.

2000: Cars and Stuff
Three unappealing aging men don’t even make an attempt to deal with their subject matter in any meaningful or practical way and instead just twat about to ever increasing levels of viewer popularity, like some kind of mass syndicated symbol that civilisation is in a state of inhuman rupture.

2100: Roger Hamon and the Fighting Flotilla
Some vaguely famous person presents a documentary about a topic he has almost no vested interest or experience in and acts in a completely inappropriate manner considering the gravity of the subject matter. Climaxes when he rides the memorial statue like a cowboy.

2200: Britain, Briton, Britain
Well known ‘down to Earth’ celebrity presents a fevered veneration of some things and people which happen to have occurred in this country while thinly disguising his borderline racism.

2300: Sex Help Hospital
People who evidently lack the ability to have a serviceable relationship and sex at the same time ask for advice which could just as easily be guessed or found out anonymously on the internet.

0000: Brig Bother
Two men are locked in a room together, because they have both committed crimes and been sentenced to several years incarceration. Eventually they begin to grate on one another.

DomesticTV: Buy a new face in the Country

1800: Jacob’s Property Ladder

This week the property market collapses and the hosts are given the sack along with a quick and painless death.

1830: Third Degree Burns

The daily diary of Krypton Factor’s Gordon Burns as he attempts to complete his third university course as a mature student, whilst also recovering from wounds sustained in a fire.

1900: Gratifying shots down my cleavage

And also some great recipes too!

2030: Gardener’s Question Time

Diarmuid Gavin and Alan Titchmarsh talk about the state of Israel-Palestine relations and British nuclear deterrents.

2100: Market Garden

Giles Coren and Hugh Fernley Whittingstall try to source organic vegetables whilst simultaneously flanking half of mainland Europe.

2200: How to look good naked

Turn the lights off.

2230: 50 Things to do before you die

Cancel milk, review will, appropriate true feelings to loved ones.

2300: Look 10 years young

This week a 50 year-old housewife from Bromhamsted has her face surgically altered to look like a Henry hoover.

2330: Spouse Exchange

Two couples too in fear of the concept of swinging or polyamorous relationships trade partners for a week only to find the idea of habitation with another human being intolerable, if not abhorrent.

0030: Rude World

Vaguely tenuous sexual fetishry for bored married couples and men still amazed by the fact they have dribbling sexual organs.

BBC1 – ITV Nil: Sports Evening

1730: Swan Vesta of the Day live – Grown men whose only gift to civilisation was the ability to run around a field for prolonged periods of time, sit around in mourning for their lost talent and constantly talk about other people running around a field whilst reminiscing about some of the many fields they had run around.

1800: Kick off (Suburb Palace vs. Regional United) – 22 men run around a field for 90 minutes whilst thousands of onlookers are thrilled, shocked and overjoyed out of a false sense of inclusion, influence and responsibility and the deranged idea that they are in some small way complicit in their team’s victory over others.

2000: Swan Vest of the Day Epilogue – Former sportsmen discuss the themes and ideals portrayed in the preceding game and how they can be applied to daily life.

2030: The Fight Live (Plucky Underdog vs. Convicted Criminal) – Two men at the prime of their physical career make their eventual decent into organ failure and senility that much quicker.

2130: International Sporting Results – The complexities of human behaviour, interaction and hierarchy expressed in numerical form.

2200: The Rugby highlights from Italy vs. England – The more interesting moments from an experiment into futility.

2300: World Rallying from Tibet – Renown rally drivers battle nature and their senses to avoid running into trees, spectators or the Chinese army.

0200: American Sports Weekly – Highlights from sports which are vague variations of more internationally accepted games, of interest to no-one.