Television listings

Daveja vu: Short Term Memory loss Night

2008-08-11T00:00:00.000+01:00

1900: Whose Line is it Anyway?
Documentary about cocaine usage in the television and advertising industry.

1930: Ad Liberation
Improvisation comedy show from years gone by, now repeated because it has been off air for so long that those who saw its initial broadcast are either mad or dead.

2000: DRIVING!
Highlights of the Welsh rallying championship, which when you think about it is pretty much a repeat.

2100: Light hearted whimsical news ‘O Clock
Scripted comedy panel show. Series 49 of 307. An amiable repeat of a classic episode in which the regular and guest comedians go over topical news stories from the year stardate 17328.9

2140: Never mind the music quiz, let’s make jokes!
Two resident captains in increasing states of apathy are joined by guests who haven’t really done much in recent years and tackle some questions about the music industry trying to flog every last second of entertainment out of an already skeletal horse.

2220: Odious Sports Quiz
The regular panellists are joined by sporting guests who, now no longer able to perform the slight physical feats they once did they, answer questions on the same field.

2300: A repeat of the last two hours of television
For the convenience of those who didn’t see it and the infuriation of those who did.

0100: Aleister Crowley’s Big Impression
Ruby Wax, Sean Connery, George Bush and Tony Blair are just some of the celebrities Aleister Crowley does not impersonate as he attempts to raise the spirit of the deceased God Fairchild.

emTV: Streethop

2008-08-04T20:32:00.001+01:00

1800: Gaudy my Motor transport
Celebrity music stereotype ‘Nstallation helps another motorist destroy the environment and colour their car tasteless. This week the team meet Lisa who wants a mezzanine installed in her VW camper.

1830: Back To Da Streets
Two aging men with loosening grasps on youth culture take an inexplicable and badly spoken journey into the streets, but with their ever diminishing understanding of modern vernacular they end up just wandering around some roads.

1900: Hot picks
Bump and grind to a stream of chart hits procedurally generated by the URBANTOR supercomputer in Leipzig. Also why not text along your pointless opinions and statements so they can be displayed like some kind of syntactic freakshow.

1950: Random marketing stream
Want ringtones which annoy the young and old in equal measure? Want to demonstrate your loathsome taste for mediocre comedy in public? Have very little is any resistance to latent marketing and peer pressure?

2000: emTV Domiciles
The subparly decorated homes of the rich and famous. Swimming pools in the shape of assault rifles, hot tubs on the ceiling and walk in freezers full of dead prostitutes.

2100: Build up to a premise
12 people of either gender prepare to engage in some kind of activity but first must be slowly and arduously whittled down. See the spats, double dealing and full range of emotions and they BUILD UP TO A PREMISE!

2200: MC Dizzle’s Female Exploitation Masterclass
Rapper and gender sociologist MC Dizzle takes us on a journey through the history of consensual female exploitation, both figuratively and literally in his tree powered bullet-proof death wagon.

2300: My Sweet Bastard child
Some camera crews take a look into the homes of the most financially spoilt womb shits to ever grace the lengths of time.

MateTV: Superficial Bollocks Night

2008-07-28T01:29:00.000+01:00

1700: Theists shoot the funniest things

1730: Police’s Wildest Videotapes
Betamax. WOAH!

1755: Celebrity roundup news
Not so much news as a series of events that people feel the need to draw any kind of significance from despite their pant bleedingly inane nature.

1800: Most Hoaxed
This week Derek will be coming from the Hogath Monestry in Babackshire, which is reputed as being haunted by the ghost of Michael Flatley. Later on he will be locked in the towers completely alone other than the cameraman, soundman, sound engineer and the twenty to thirty people required to duplicate the poor special effects of a Hammer horror film.

1900: The Boy who was a piece of Battenberg
A revealing documentary into the life of a Ugandan boy who is a well-loved variety of cake.

2000: Cars and Stuff
Three unappealing aging men don’t even make an attempt to deal with their subject matter in any meaningful or practical way and instead just twat about to ever increasing levels of viewer popularity, like some kind of mass syndicated symbol that civilisation is in a state of inhuman rupture.

2100: Roger Hamon and the Fighting Flotilla
Some vaguely famous person presents a documentary about a topic he has almost no vested interest or experience in and acts in a completely inappropriate manner considering the gravity of the subject matter. Climaxes when he rides the memorial statue like a cowboy.

2200: Britain, Briton, Britain
Well known ‘down to Earth’ celebrity presents a fevered veneration of some things and people which happen to have occurred in this country while thinly disguising his borderline racism.

2300: Sex Help Hospital
People who evidently lack the ability to have a serviceable relationship and sex at the same time ask for advice which could just as easily be guessed or found out anonymously on the internet.

0000: Brig Bother
Two men are locked in a room together, because they have both committed crimes and been sentenced to several years incarceration. Eventually they begin to grate on one another.

DomesticTV: Buy a new face in the Country

2008-07-21T02:59:00.002+01:00

1800: Jacob’s Property Ladder

This week the property market collapses and the hosts are given the sack along with a quick and painless death.

1830: Third Degree Burns

The daily diary of Krypton Factor’s Gordon Burns as he attempts to complete his third university course as a mature student, whilst also recovering from wounds sustained in a fire.

1900: Gratifying shots down my cleavage

And also some great recipes too!

2030: Gardener’s Question Time

Diarmuid Gavin and Alan Titchmarsh talk about the state of Israel-Palestine relations and British nuclear deterrents.

2100: Market Garden

Giles Coren and Hugh Fernley Whittingstall try to source organic vegetables whilst simultaneously flanking half of mainland Europe.

2200: How to look good naked

Turn the lights off.

2230: 50 Things to do before you die

Cancel milk, review will, appropriate true feelings to loved ones.

2300: Look 10 years young

This week a 50 year-old housewife from Bromhamsted has her face surgically altered to look like a Henry hoover.

2330: Spouse Exchange

Two couples too in fear of the concept of swinging or polyamorous relationships trade partners for a week only to find the idea of habitation with another human being intolerable, if not abhorrent.

0030: Rude World

Vaguely tenuous sexual fetishry for bored married couples and men still amazed by the fact they have dribbling sexual organs.

BBC1 – ITV Nil: Sports Evening

2008-07-07T19:47:00.006+01:00

1730: Swan Vesta of the Day live – Grown men whose only gift to civilisation was the ability to run around a field for prolonged periods of time, sit around in mourning for their lost talent and constantly talk about other people running around a field whilst reminiscing about some of the many fields they had run around.

1800: Kick off (Suburb Palace vs. Regional United) – 22 men run around a field for 90 minutes whilst thousands of onlookers are thrilled, shocked and overjoyed out of a false sense of inclusion, influence and responsibility and the deranged idea that they are in some small way complicit in their team’s victory over others.

2000: Swan Vest of the Day Epilogue – Former sportsmen discuss the themes and ideals portrayed in the preceding game and how they can be applied to daily life.

2030: The Fight Live (Plucky Underdog vs. Convicted Criminal) – Two men at the prime of their physical career make their eventual decent into organ failure and senility that much quicker.

2130: International Sporting Results – The complexities of human behaviour, interaction and hierarchy expressed in numerical form.

2200: The Rugby highlights from Italy vs. England – The more interesting moments from an experiment into futility.

2300: World Rallying from Tibet – Renown rally drivers battle nature and their senses to avoid running into trees, spectators or the Chinese army.

0200: American Sports Weekly – Highlights from sports which are vague variations of more internationally accepted games, of interest to no-one.

FilmFore: Moody Arts Film Night

2008-06-30T08:17:00.000+01:00

1400: Jacob Spinalli’s Trivial Pursuit – Set in an isolated rural village in southern Italy, three elderly gentlemen talk about their fleeting life and decide to relive their youth with jollies and pranks. The three soon turn to a series of carefree illicit affairs, all whilst playing the board game trivial pursuit.

1610: La vie del Monte – The life and times of the European fruit company spokesperson and his inability to turn down several potentially unlawful offers.

1730: Football Factory – Feature length documentary about East Asian sweatshops producing footballs and trainers, and what the workers’ opinions are of this season’s new transfers.

1850: A League Of Men – Escapist drama set in post WW2 England. Eight men abandoned into society by their government at the end of war, set about trying to give new meaning to their life by forming a group vowed to fight crime and/or anyone who looks like they could handle themselves.

2000: Film Industry pandering – Twenty minutes of concentrated advertising shoved down your eyepipe.

2020: Ecob ne Ffennic – Director Josef Strasses’ epic look at war torn Greenland.

2350: Girl – The satirical deconstruction of the downfall of a partite in South Africa from the point of view of suburban American family.

0110: Exquisite – Borderline pornography in French.

0230: Father-chan – Takasora’s drama about a schoolgirl forced to tend to her single father’s mental illness and deal with her position as head of the family. With hilarious consequences.

0400: Cloudland – Director Suis Gustaf’s debut film centring on university student Kalf Swedis’ insomnia and the constant erosion of his state of mind and consciousness, as he finds himself watching obscure films until the early hours of the morning just to help the pain and his empty life go away.

eTV2: Minority Drama

2008-06-23T08:28:00.000+01:00

1800: The Bill – Serial about the lives and loves of restaurant staff. This week tensions between Benedetto and Antonio flare as Geoff’s death leaves the position of Sous-Chef wide open.

1900: Cutting It – Four men preparing to have a vasectomy take a coach trip to France to have one last week as ‘full’ men. This week, booze and a fight.

2000: The Ten O’clock News’ – Brand new(s) series focussing on the life of news presenter and full time mother, Richard Brandow. Showing the effort and time undertaken by the men and scantily clad promiscuous women of the eTV newsroom.

2100: Home, sweet home – Revivalist drama series set in a Bed & Breakfast during the 1960s. This week owners Rita and Mayworth get into a bother with a sticky guest who refuses to remove his hat indoors.

2130: The Red Lion – Drama series set in a pub during the 1960s. This week we discover that Dennis has been seeing Douglas’ daughter behind his back, and Grenner sighs nostalgically whilst looking into some fields.

2200: Light, Heart-warming drama – This week an old Friend of John’s dies and leaves him a dilapidated fishing boat and the potential for epiphanal self-realisation and resolution.

2230: North & South – Southerner Johnny Gerrer moves to the small town of Yorkshiredaleville, he finds it increasingly difficult to connect with his completely alien neighbours. Each week Johnny realises that perhaps they are not so different after all.

2250: Regional News & Weather – Teresa Simpson gives us the weather forecast for a square foot of land in south Dorset.

2300: Terry and Dune – Terry is gathering spice when he is swallowed by a sandworm, only to find that his friends are in the very same predicament.

0000: Dutch Courage – A dramatisation based on a group of prostitutes in central Amsterdam and how the game affects them. Tits, as it’s after nine o’clock.

CBB4: Shite Night

2008-06-16T21:50:00.000+01:00

1730: Celebrity Big Brother ∞ - The housemates spend their last day together before the weekend, when one of them will probably get a bit drunk and throw up in the garden.

1830: Celebrity Big Brother Little Bother - Celebrities who are still actively employed by the television industry sit around and bitch about ones who aren't when they are out of ear shot.

1900: Evening News/Update on Big Brother Race riot

1950: Apology for Big Brother race riot

2000: Phone in poll to see if you forgive Big Brother for the race riot - Phonelines are £3 a minute and permission of the line owner must be asked.

2010: CBB∞ Analysis - Psychologists analysise and explain the housemates behaviour, presumably because they have nothing better to do with their life.

2100: Celebrity Big Brother ∞ Live - We find out who is nominated for eviction, not only from the house but also from civilised society. Labourious pauses guaranteed.

2200: Justin Lee Collins' Tit About! - Justin Lee Collins tits about.

2300: Celebrity Big Brother ∞ Results - Someone is evicted out of a tired sense of inevitibility.

0000: CBB∞ Highlights - Dear god when will it end, will mankind not just rise up aga..gda.s.....they are taking me awa.! 23&s9

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